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Some of you will remember it. I went radio silent since September last year in all of the social media platform. I might have told you how dark it is. How I am normal in front of my son and probably some other people on school run but when I go back home I just stay on the sofa and wallow or daydream of the Philippines or sleep.

Its depression.

Its dark and no one is with me.

Just my son.

I wish I can explain it better. How I felt then other than it like I am carrying something on my shoulder that is way beyond my capacity. The scene inside my house is ugly. Some days I literally have to crawl just so I can go to the toilet to pee.

I lost the energy to live. I literally lost energy. And this is happening while I am living with the person who had caused this sadness. Making it worst for me especially at night when he would arrive from work. And I gained so much weight. Weight that I forgave myself from gaining because what else can I do?

I literally pulled myself up. I dont know if I recovered from it or I just got used to teh feeling of the hate with that person I live with.

But I know what triggered it the most. My birthday, September 14.

Its like a death anniversary. Every birthday that I havent seen my family. Filling up. And I am so scared because in afew days time it will be August and then September. Just typing this now, thinking about September coming gives me sadness and I dont know how to be ready for it.

I have been thinking of it since my son celebrated his birthday. After the calendar reached its half.

I am hugging myself every now & then because I dont know if I can handle it this time around or how long am I going to spend just so I can recover or get use to it again.

I dread Septemeber. I dread going into the dark again.

September is not only my word of the week but its also the ghost that is hunting me in the last months.


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( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 22nd, 2016 06:25 am (UTC)
I hope you will be ok. Did you ask for help and see someone? I won't be of any use but I will be thinking of you when that day in September arrives...#PoCoLo
Jul. 22nd, 2016 07:06 am (UTC)
Oh this is so hard for you. I'm so sorry you feel so low but must be awful missing family and your original home. As frenchie mummy says...try and get some support and lots of love xx #wotw
Jul. 22nd, 2016 07:22 am (UTC)
Have you seen a doctor? I'm not trying to suggest it is an easy solution - far from it - but I have had depression a couple of times and the pills really can work. I hope September isn't too hard for you - and that you do have people to talk to. #pocolo
Jul. 22nd, 2016 08:34 am (UTC)
So sorry that you're feeling this way, Merlinda, and already dreading what's coming. As the others suggest, I hope you've managed to get some support and seen a doctor, so you feel less alone coping with this x Thanks for sharing with #WotW
Jul. 22nd, 2016 09:58 am (UTC)
So sorry you feel like this. Hoping you get through. You really should speak to someone. If not medication then your GP can put you in touch with someone to talk to, like a CPN, which might help. Thinking of you x #picknmix
Jul. 22nd, 2016 10:04 am (UTC)
So sorry to hear that the arrival of September is already bringing feelings of dread and to hear about the darkness that enveloped you last year. It must be so hard to be away from your family when you are feeling like this. I agree with the other comments above that it would be a good idea to see a doctor if you haven't done so already and to try and find some source of support and help - it can make such a difference and may go a long way towards making September bearable. Thinking of you and sending a big virtual hug across the internet x #WotW
Jul. 22nd, 2016 10:51 am (UTC)
Oh dear, so sorry to hear that you're dreading your birthday :( Hope things improve for you. #wotw
Kim Carberry
Jul. 22nd, 2016 01:48 pm (UTC)
Sending love and hugs! I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Have you spoken to a doctor or someone. You shouldn't go through it alone. Thinking of you x
Jul. 22nd, 2016 02:03 pm (UTC)
Such an open and sad post at the same time. I have experienced similar periods throughout my life and, as you say, the darkness seems to have immunity - it cannot be lifted by anyone or anything. Knowing how you feel, it's difficult to offer a 'chin up' solution so all that i'll say is that don't let it get you to a point of no return. Talk. Talk openly and honestly to those around you (including your GP) just as you have had the courage to do here. Also read 'I had a Black Dog' by Matthew Johnstone.
Jul. 22nd, 2016 02:05 pm (UTC)
Sorry I forgot the following in my engagement with your post and current feelings.
Potty Adventures
Jul. 22nd, 2016 05:43 pm (UTC)
I would have no idea you feel like this. Your blog and photography is so wonderful. I have a close friend you suffers with depression, her family live in the USA and her dad passed away in January. Sometimes she just wants to be alone and other times she needs company. Lots of love Sarah #FabFridayPost
Jul. 22nd, 2016 06:59 pm (UTC)
Like others said please go to the doctor. I have had clinical depression and can emphasis with the similar feelings. It is hell especially when you can't find away out. But you are important and it is ok to ask for help. Sending you lots of love X #wotw
Jul. 23rd, 2016 07:25 am (UTC)
Do you feel like you could talk to a doctor about how you are feeling ? there is no shame in asking for and getting some help, there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise you just have to take that first step. It must be so hard being so far from all your family sending you lots of virtual hugs. #WotW
Ann H
Jul. 23rd, 2016 05:37 pm (UTC)
Ive only dabbled in depression. It's unbearable. I know there is nothing I can say that will help. But I will think of you and on your birthday, it is on my calendar now. Hugs xxx #wotw
Jul. 24th, 2016 08:48 pm (UTC)
Oh Merlinda, I had no idea. I had been wondering why you were absent for so long, but didn't think anything of it, after all this is 'the internet'.
Like the other said, don't try (any longer) to go through this alone. You are not alone. It may not be your family, but there are doctors and groups you can go and talk with. It will help, they will help. Help you go through the next few months and more. Please do yourself and your son a favor and ask for this help.
Hugs, Claudia
Jul. 26th, 2016 05:52 am (UTC)
Depression sucks. Nothing can really cheer you up whatsoever. Lots of my friends have depression and when this happens they try something else... perhaps could you go away for a day with your son on 14th September? Just the two of you? It's hard but perhaps doing something for yourself and your son can release the endorphin you really needed. I really hope you'll have a good birthday. Lots of love, and Big hugs. xx

Thank you so much for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost
Jul. 28th, 2016 06:35 pm (UTC)
Depression certainly does suck, but for writing this you're showing how brave you are and asking for help is the sure way to get it. Please remember how strong you are and how much you're loved, not just by your son but by people online and please do get the help you need. Don't fret away the summer holidays with your boy worrying about September, you're strong and we're all with you xx Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo
Jul. 28th, 2016 10:08 pm (UTC)
Oh sweetheart, I can only try and imagine how you are feeling. I really think you should talk to someone about how you feel if you haven't already for your sake and your son's. Really hope you can find a way to feel okay again.

Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix

Stevie x
Morgan Prince
Jul. 29th, 2016 01:31 pm (UTC)
Oh Merlinda I feel so sad for you. Please don't go dark on social media, if you're feeling like everything is getting too much turn to your online friends who will ALWAYS be there for you. Tweet people to let them know you need help. You have a lovely little boy who, I'm sure brings light into your life. Cling to that and know that when you need help someone is always willing to listen. xxx
Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo - sorry for the delay in commenting. xx
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )


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I am a daughter, a sister, wife and a mother! I have a son, Sebastian who is born 2010. I am from the Philippines now living here in the UK. This blog is a place where I rant and rave and share pieces of me!

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