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Defense Mechanism

I havent talked to my husband in years. We live in the same house. I want us to be separated but I dont have the means to live on my own with my son. So I am living with someone who I hate and everyday that hate grows. I have created a wall for me to survive. An imaginary place in my head where in the house I live he doesnt really exist. Just to survive.

He talked to me few days ago. It feels so foreign to hear his voice. I can hear words and yet they are dust being blown away by an imaginary wind. He is sick he said and its something serious. And that he needs biopsy (or he got one and is waiting for the result) and that my son needs to be checked too as its hereditary.

And the only thing that registered to my head is the issue about my son.

He can drop dead in front of me at that moment and I probably wont react.

Cold and foggy day here! Feeling the winter weather and aching for spring! #leaves #veins #black #winter #nature #photography #closeup #leaf #skeletalleaf #

The downside of trying to survive a bad relationship is that I need to learn to be numb and that is what I am now. Numb of all the things that involves him. I wanted to say that its his fault for keeping me locked in a place where I dont want to stay. But the thing is I dont really care anymore who's fault it is.

I dont know what will happen in the future. But I know that whatever happens to him, it will no longer affect me.

Which is sad .. because I feel that this lack of emotion towards him is not healthy.. but it is how I survive.

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Kim Carberry
Feb. 28th, 2017 12:46 pm (UTC)
It is such a horrible situation that you are in.
I found out my mother died last week. I felt nothing but relief. I haven't spoken to her for years or seen her for even longer. I can understand the lack of emotion. Your right it probably isn't healthy but it happens...
I really hope your son is OK and you have nothing to worry about with him.
Sending love and hugs...
indah nuria Savitri
Apr. 5th, 2017 06:13 pm (UTC)
Big hug to you, dear! I know how horrible things are in that kind of circumstances .. I hope things are okay with all of you, especially you and your son. I went through biopsy for cancer screening two years ago and I ended up having BC. Stay strong dear..
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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I am a daughter, a sister, wife and a mother! I have a son, Sebastian who is born 2010. I am from the Philippines now living here in the UK. This blog is a place where I rant and rave and share pieces of me!

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