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Half Term Request

He really wanted to go to Bristol. Its a request and I kept on saying tomorrow .. then tomorrow. In my defense it is really raining in the last few days. But Thursday came and it is not raining as hard. Just so we will go he promised that we dont need to buy anything! We just need to bring our own food. 

That we did and were off. Its sunshine and showers the whole day!

But funny enough its only raining when we are inside and it would stop when we are out. As in!

Looking at the intricate Bristol Cathedral Ceiling. He is in the middle center line. Can you see the shiny floor tiles?
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We Need To Talk About Cancer

CANCER. I haven't talked about this with him but I think I need to, now. My son knows. He knows what his father got it (we see the hospital letters envelopes first) and that he might get it, that he needs to be checked soon and he is scared. I reckon when he knows it more, cancer can be scary that you need to be mindful but not scary enough to eat him and take away the fun in his life especially at this age when he is suppose to be thinking of something else like Lego or Minecraft and how on earth are we going to afford Nintendo switch! He should leave the 'being scared' to me. That's a Mum's job!

Needless to say that I am worried. My son has an expiration date it seems. Its so heartbreaking. But I really dont have a choice and power on this one. I didnt know. I have no choice (like all the other aspect of my life) but just to accept it that it will come.

Knowing Cancer is imperative for both of us so that we know what we need to tackle head on in the future. I tried learning it and explaining the science of it to him. What created it. A cell that has gone haywire and maybe faulty genes that he got from me or his father. His father got it from his father who passed away from it. I am no doctor but there is now a pattern in there. There is a chance that he will get it. Big chance. As a baby his colon already showed abnormalities which thank goodness was healed by his own system. I am probably the only Mother who would do a fist pump every time her baby poo. I am very religious about recording his pooing. I panic worry if the days in between are long. Sometimes they really are.  It turned normal. I still am vigilant about this even now. I am still constantly checking. And I do a sigh of relief every time he needs to do number 2. I make sure there's fiber in our meal. As a mother this worries me of course. My life is already complicated as it is, my mind already giving up on the events happening to my marriage and now this?

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Saturday Night Live






We stayed in the whole day today because of the rain. When its night time the rain stopped which is very good because there is a fireworks display at the seafront. When we arrived were suprised that the seafront is empty. Yep the fireworks display is cancelled because of the heavy rain and wind.

We reckon we are there already so I let him roam around and play. He has got so much energy to burn anyways.
I just sat on a wet sea wall waiting for him to get tired.

He is so observant to see how all of the traffic lights at the seafront are green at the same time.
No photos though as I am not very good in capturing the night. But there are lots of pretty light display so its almost as if we actually saw fireworks.
Fireworks that you can see on the ground! Again I wish I am very good in capturing the night time.
Its really pretty with the reflection and colours but I am not so good. But I tried and here it is!

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And here he is playing in our usual spot (we moved as its super windy at the promenade.
This area is nice as its well lighted and the plant covers us from the strong wind.
And after some exploring and seeing things in a different light (geddit =P) we went home tired and ready to attack our dinner!

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Country Kids


The Ordinary Moments


Disco Fever







The whole week was about his Disco event in school. We bought the ticket last week and since I am known to be forgetful, he would remind me of it everyday! Last night it happened and this is what my not so little boy was wearing.

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I dont know about the pose but I will not complain because at least he gave me a pose haha.
When I picked him up last night he was beaming with happiness. He is so happy that preparing to go to school this morning is a breeze.

My son is handling the breakdown of my marriage better than I have expected but that doesn't mean he is not hurting from it.
I know he is affected and I really just want him to have fun to balance the negativity at home.
He so deserve events like this just so he will be reminded what normal kids do and its nice that the school created such event.
We are both looking forward to the halh term. We are both tired and we both need this rest.

Disco is my word of the week.







The Reading Residence

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I bought this book not knowing what I will experience (have'nt read the reviews) and the book hit me hard on so many levels.

She is the most endearing character that I have read lately. Eleanor is so pure.
Her take on life is fun and funny. The way she learn to embrace technology and modern life is just so childlike.
Her innocence special.

The story (he comes spoilers!) is about a girl and her journey to getting the guy of her dreams.
She lives alone with her plant and the story took off when she is planning on how to win the man that captured her attention.

The first part of the book introduced a lady with a routine that I can so much relate to. A routine that she took all by herself.  In spite of being alone I cant sense loneliness. She then met a new guy from work, Raymond. They both embark on a journey of  new friendship. While personally Eleanor is changing herself to entice someone. Chaning herself to fit the mould that that someone would like.

Her perception that he will like her if she change is wrong and it hit her hard on the second and darker part of the book.
The disappointment lead to her wanting to end her life. Add to the pain is the death of her plant that she had since she was just a girl.

The disappointment and heartbreak was the catalyst for her to seek the truth. Eleanor has been through a lot and survived by not remembering the events that lead to her being alone and different. And when she remembered them it is also became a catalyst for her to change from being isolated to opening up to people and starting to let them in to her life. In the end its her new friends that saved her and her sanity.

The story resonated with me because like her I am alone. I have interaction with people and yet those interaction is controlled.
Limited and I only let them see what I only allowed them to see. I am her. Walking with my bag going here and there and yet no one knows me. No one dared to know me deeper.

What helped Eleanor in the story is when she started to let people to her protected world.

My life started to change too when I started telling people (beyond the blog) of what is really going on inside the walls of our flat, inside my room and inside my head.

In the story, Eleanor survived by creating a superhero (that dream guy) that will save her. And she morphed into the girl that that guy would want to save and be with.

In my head too I have created so many superheroes (police, charities, politician, god, man of gods and a friend of my father who is rich) that I am dreaming who would help me get out of this rut. I daydream of them. I daydream that they would come and save me and they would get me out of here and would provide accomodation. Shit like that.

I also have an awakening. That the knight in shining armour will not come.
When your only hope is dead, you tend to lose grasp to live.

Eleanor is so lucky to have Raymond. I have Raymonds too.
People who are trying to reach out to me and help me.  The other Moms in my son's school, bloggers who read me, my sister and my son.

Eleanor's story gives me hope. I hope that like her I will in the end find peace.

Read her story. You will laugh with her, dream with her and cry with her.
And you will appreciate the friends that stays with you no matter how weird you are.


xx




PoCoLo

Chasing Paper Planes






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Taken at the beach this morning. A dog chasing flying birds that looks like they are paper planes.




Photalife

School Run Conversations



A change of routine at home gave me anxiety attacks (if you are interested you can read about it here).

While we were walking at the seafront on our school run my son asked why the medicines are not working anymore. I am taking a pill to calm me. I told him that I run out. He said
'You should get it again because it stops you from crying. When you cry I am sad.'

He knows that something is wrong with me mentally and he knows what triggers it. He cant wait for us to get away from home. Sometimes he would wish that my trigger would never go home again. I dont give those words attention but deep inside I wish it too.

I am so happy that he try to understand what being ill mentally is all about. He saw it on television once, explaining what it is and how the illness doesnt define the person who has it. He would tell me if theres a program about mental health on TV or any website that he is visiting. He will watch it if its in CBBC and try to explain the things in there for me.  He would suggest what we can do to help me. He is researching in his own little way on how he can help me cope.

My son wants to help me cope.

'Lets stay here longer'
I suggested and he said yes because I know he is stressed and we both need some fresh air.
We havent seen the sun in quite a while so when it is sunnyish we should enjoy it at least. And he just jump around. Soaking the weather.



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He got it figured out though:

'We're always better when its just us and when we are outside isnt it?'

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'Yes'
I said agreeing.

Its really better when we are outside. We are free. No walls to imprison us. And that is where we will try to be as much.
We stayed some more, him running around and me capturing the moment until the wind started blowing stronger.

'Lets do this again next time'
he said while we were walking back home.

I said
'Yes we will of course, always and I promise some day I will get better'

And he hums a familiar song. And I hum along.




If you want to see the program that son saw from the CBBC episode about mental health / OCD you can check it out here > CBBC NEWSROUND
There are links there explaining what mental health is all about. Easy enough for kids to understand.










Country Kids



Living Arrows




PoCoLo

Anxiety Attacks



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Firstly I would like to apologize for making your Friday depressing. Of you dont like sad entries please skip this post.

I was suppose to meet a doctor about my anxiety attacks. I need a reevaluation if my medicine is working.
But its so hard to make an appointment with her. When I go in the morning in the surgery she doesnt have any free time and I cant make an advance appointment. And then just repeat that cycle. Until I gave up that I will ever get an appointment.

I asked for a repeat prescription because that doesnt need her presence. I only get 7 days worth of pills. I cant afford to always buy that for £8 so I stopped asking for repeat prescription.

I also need a Cognitive Behavior Therapy but I cant really start that one as I am still staying with the person who triggers the fear.

I stopped taking the medicine and I cant take the therapy that makes me sane.

So its been a while since I last saw her, the doctor.

I am surviving until this week. See I have this routine where I will only get out of my room when my husband trigger is out of the house. Then before he comes back my son and I should be in our cell room. No contact is good for me. That is how I survive.

Recently he changed his routine. Staying for longer in the morning and arriving earlier in the evening.

And it shook me.

I dont know how I can prepare my son's breakfast and lunch and we are not eating proper dinner. Just the food that I can bring inside our room.
I have a cooler now so that I can store food in our bedroom.

His presence is causing me so much anxiety that I would cry buckets until I can no longer cry and then some.

I would do school run with swollen eyes.

My son is use to me having the attacks. He thought that my medicine is not working.
Weirdly enough after watching those CBBC videos about mental health he understand where I am.

That is how my week is. Crying. Really really drained me up to the point where I can no longer stand up after.

As you were.




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I am a daughter, a sister, wife and a mother! I have a son, Sebastian who is born 2010. I am from the Philippines now living here in the UK. This blog is a place where I rant and rave and share pieces of me!


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