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Mental health is being talked a lot in the media lately. There is a stigma that is attached to it and I use to believe that I am not one of the people who sees it as something to be ashamed of.

Until I got it.

If you have been here before you would know that a lot of my past post are dark and depressing. I have talk a lot about being in a dark place. How I recovered from it and how I am staying away from being sad again. Photography played a big part of me being well from my depression.

But being in my situation where I am living with someone who I dont want to be with gave me something else that even photography nor my son can help me cope from.

Anxiety and panic attacks.

I didnt even know them by name but I am feeling them for the longest time. So much so that I thought that they are a part of every human being. And I think that my son sees me having them has made this normal to him as well. Until I talked to someone who told me to go to a doctor because those bad dreams and fears are not something we should live with.

So I went to a doctor. She made it official if that makes sense. She gave me a medicine to control the sobbing and crying and unexplained fears.

They do help. Sometimes I need to wait for awhile for it to take effect but I do feel better. I also need therapy.

But why is it that I feel guilty every time I take this medicine? I feel like its not right. I feel like its wrong to be dependent on it. That if I am taking a cough medicine I would be okay about it but not this kind of medicine. 'This kind of medicine' words that just reverberated in my head.


I just realized that I am part of the population who view mental health issue like what I have as a something humiliating. Because that is how I feel.

Having come to terms with taking the medicine is still something that I am reluctant to accept. But I cant really deny its help to me. Without it I would been a mess in front of my son.

Here I am now. In front of all of you, telling you that I am taking something to help me cope with life that I am having a hard time handling.

I dont feel like it makes me less of a person that I am before. It actually helps me to go back to what I am before all of this mess started.

I use to be strong and fun and free and I have control of my life. But I lost that person when I started being married.

Putting this out in the open is scary for me. I feel like some of you would understand and a lot of you wont. I am scared that I will have less opportunity in life and work. That it would limit the things that I can do and I will be trusted to do in public. Being open about my anxiety and taking pills to help me cope is already making people around me less trusting of the things that I am capable of. That a blunder that I made is not because it is a blunder but because something is wrong with my head. That I am no longer in capacity to take care of my son.

I am still me.

I am still me.

Sometimes I have to say that more than once because I need reminding too. I am still me. I still love reading, drawing, walking, pokemon go, nutella, and I will always be a fighter. Even if I am taking a pill a day to help me fight and even if sometimes I feel like my body is giving up on me. Even if sometimes I feel like I want to give up. I wont. I will always try to fight. That is what I have a lot of the never ending supply of trying. I will always try. Having anxiety helped me change the way I look at mental health. Writing this I hope would change your views too. Stigma is my word of the week.

The Reading Residence

Debs Random Writings


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 15th, 2017 04:43 pm (UTC)
Lovely lady you are certainly not alone and definitely have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm so glad you have asked for help, the medication will help given time and don't ever feel bad for taking it. You have been through so much and one day you will feel more like your usual self again xx
Dec. 15th, 2017 07:47 pm (UTC)
I can understand as i am someone with mental health problems and I also take sertraline as well and it's the best thing I've ever done. I will happily take my medication the rest of my life if it means I won't have to feel suicidal and it has improved my life immensely. Thank you for sharing I mean so it's important to talk about these things and break down that stigma like you say! You are not alone trust me X #wotw

Edited at 2017-12-15 07:48 pm (UTC)
Kim Carberry
Dec. 15th, 2017 08:39 pm (UTC)
Sending love and hugs.
It is a sad shame that there is a stigma against mental health. Don't be ashamed. It is brave that you have asked for help. x
Dec. 15th, 2017 08:48 pm (UTC)
It's such a brave thing to do, breaking the stigma. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, mental health is as easily broken as physical health. I'm so sorry that you are going through this though, it's so tough, but I'm glad you are getting help. It's not something that goes away alone. If you ever need to talk, rant or just offload you know where to find me, in private if you wish. Sending you many hugs xx
Dec. 16th, 2017 11:30 am (UTC)
It is a tough one, I know, but you have asked for help, which means you're one step up. So many don't. You are still you. Don't ever doubt it. I hope you can get out and take some photos. Sending hugs.
Dec. 18th, 2017 05:14 pm (UTC)
Merlinda, you are most definitely still you and there is absolutely no shame in needing medication for anxiety and panic attacks. Mental illness is like any other illness - it is not your fault in any way that you have this. I think you are so brave to be so open about it and I am so glad that the medication has helped you. It is sad that there is still so much stigma surrounding mental health. I am glad that you are getting the help you need. Sending a big hug your way xx
Dec. 18th, 2017 05:15 pm (UTC)
Sorry didn't mean to post anonymously x
indah nuria Savitri
Dec. 26th, 2017 04:30 pm (UTC)
Stay stong, Merlinda..You can and you will pass all these! You are still you and you are blessed with Sebastian and other great things in life! Really appreciate that you shared this and happy that you asked for help.
Jan. 4th, 2018 09:42 pm (UTC)
Sending hugs Merlinda and sorry I'm only just reading this now. Getting help and taking medicine makes you one strong lady in my book, there shouldn't be the stigma that you describe and we've lots more to do (as a society) to make this change. Take care and like others have said you are still you, and I'm proud to know you. Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo XX
Debbie Roberts
Jan. 5th, 2018 06:16 am (UTC)
Hi Merlinda, this is such a brave post to share and never think you are less of a person because you need help. My Dad went through a similar thing a few years back, he went from an easy going chap with a quick wit to being constantly wound up and tense.All triggered by something that was out of his control. It took a long time to make him see the sense in getting professional help, as he too saw the stigma around mental health... The good news is that after a few months of medication he did get better. There is the odd wobble, but nothing in comparison... Hopefully in time and by people like yourself raising awareness the stigma of mental health illness will diminish.

Thank you for linking up with the #MMBC. And I hope that 2018 is the year when everything comes right for you.

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )


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I am a daughter, a sister, wife and a mother! I have a son, Sebastian who is born 2010. I am from the Philippines now living here in the UK. This blog is a place where I rant and rave and share pieces of me!

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