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As a foreigner in this country it is vital that I have a passport of course.
Due to the lack of confidence that I will ever get a chance to go home or leave this country for whatever reason (be it an emergency like someone close to me dying) my passport has been expired since 2014.

3 years.

An expired passport is like a shackle that can hold you down in the same spot where you were expected to be.
The whole country (or in my case just this town) has an invisible fence that imprisons.

My family from the Philippines and friends helped me renew my passport and my son's. They gave/lend me money.

I went ahead with it.

Going to where I need to renew it has caused me my sanity, literally.
That day, when I left to renew my passport I was put into so much stress.
Police messaging me asking for my details (which my son saw beacuse he is playing with that phone at that moment)
and the school who I informed of where we are going, calling me just so they know that I am going where I told them were going.
They reported my whereabouts to him.

I cant seem to be trusted with my own son.

At some point of that trip I am expecting someone would pin me down and handcuff me and bring me to the precint and interogate me.
And take my son away.

It did not happen but the fear is there already. I am always looking behind my back, over my shoulders. I am expecting the worst.

This is my reality.

The invisible shackle just got real. My freedom of movement disrespected.
Not only by the person who has been controlling my life but by the people who I thought would save me from him.
They helped him limit the space where I can move. They help him spread more fear in my system.

He doesnt even need to do anything. He just need to call the right people.

And I went home more scared than when I left. My son feeling nervous everytime we saw police cars.
And we didnt even go farther than the capital.
Imagine if I venture further?

I can only imagine the relief he felt when we went back. Because we went back more scared of him.
Because we are back where he wants us to be. Where he expects me to be.
Where I am only allowed to be.

In a room. A box. My cell.

This event has caused me so much anxiety that I needed medication.
My son needs reassuring that ambulances and police cars are not out to get us.

The passport arrived.

And I am wondering what form of control am I going to experience next.
Because lets face it confiscating my passport is not an option for him. It would be too obvious.
He would look like the villain. He can not be the villain.

I am the only one who needs to look bad. Can not be trusted to go far.
Can not be trusted with my son. The one who lost it and needs medication to stay sane.

Enjoy your freedom people. It is really precious.

passport is my word of the week

The Reading Residence

Debs Random Writings


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 26th, 2018 10:11 am (UTC)
PoCoLo Linky
This is truly heartbreaking. Well done for sharing your story as it might give other the confidence to seek freedom from the situation they might find themselves in. I wish you every luck with finding yours. #PoCoLo
Jan. 26th, 2018 11:38 am (UTC)
This is awful, and so scary and isolating for you. I am sorry that this is your reality x #WotW
Jan. 26th, 2018 12:13 pm (UTC)
What a horrible story, what a horrid situation to be in. How I wish I could do something to help. I'm glad you have your passports though, please keep them close to you at all time xx
Kim Carberry
Jan. 26th, 2018 12:20 pm (UTC)
I am so angry for you. That man infuriates me!
I wish there was something I could do to get you out of the situation that you are in! Sending love and hugs xxx
Jan. 26th, 2018 01:58 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. I wish there were something we could do. xxx
Thanks for linking to #pocolo
Jan. 26th, 2018 07:36 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was something we could do x #WotW
Jan. 27th, 2018 08:05 am (UTC)
I don't know what to say, there are no words. I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you, please reach out and get some help. I will be thinking of you x
Jan. 29th, 2018 05:39 pm (UTC)
OMG Merlinda this is so sad that you feel like this I cant believe that you feel so frightened I am so so sorry x
Jan. 29th, 2018 10:04 pm (UTC)
Sorry to read that this is the reality you face. #WotW
Jan. 30th, 2018 09:15 pm (UTC)
Oh Merlinda, this is utterly heartbreaking. How awful to have your freedom so restricted in this way. I am glad that you at least have got your passport but I wish that getting it hadn't come with so much fear for you and your son. You did nothing wrong. It is so wrong that you have had your personal freedom so disrespected :-(
Debbie Roberts
Feb. 2nd, 2018 04:47 pm (UTC)
Hi Merlinda, I am truly sorry for the way you have been made to feel. It is only normal to want an up to date passport when you live in a foreign country. I hope that one day you get to live the life you want and deserve. Just hang in there.

Victoria Welton
Feb. 2nd, 2018 10:35 pm (UTC)
I hate that you are in this position lovely. It sounds like you are completely trapped with nowhere to turn. I really do recommend your local Womens Aid. They were amazing and helped me so much when I needed it. I hope they can do the same for you xx
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )


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I am a daughter, a sister, wife and a mother! I have a son, Sebastian who is born 2010. I am from the Philippines now living here in the UK. This blog is a place where I rant and rave and share pieces of me!

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